when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
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I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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