Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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