APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
