I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
