there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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