she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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