you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
