The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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