how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
