you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
