Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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