Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
