Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?