cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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