So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
