Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
True strength comes from lack of pants
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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