i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
