I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
