Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
