So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
