Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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