just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
