In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
