i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
