He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize