i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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