Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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