The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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