no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Randomize
