Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
