Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
