so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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