someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
