apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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