Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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