i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
