Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
