I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
