He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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