9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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