So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
