You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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