Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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