i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
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I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
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I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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