am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
