Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
