I can text with my tongue
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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