just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
