fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize
