sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
