fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
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