they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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