Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
