Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
