I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
