He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
