My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
