I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
